We all learn to hold back negative feelings, because it helps us to mature from childhood.

The negative side of this, though, is that those feelings (which can stem from misunderstandings, mistakes, and disagreements) can then grow until they emerge to cause real damage.

They can explode into arguments and destroy relationships. So how do we deal with this in the workplace?

I’ve found that a very practical rule of thumb is simply to assume that people are doing the best they can. Including myself.

Sometimes that’s not literally true, because we make mistakes or get lazy. We’re all fallible humans. But it helps me to be more empathetic.

Another way to shift my mindset is to imagine that an action was done by someone I love dearly, versus someone who I don’t know that well. I might want to be just a little more understanding and forgiving. That’s my choice.

Imagine that an employee just sent me a terse message indicating basically “I’m outta here.” Of course I’m in a tailspin, regretting all the mistakes I might have made, worrying about the impact on my business, but overall becoming resentful that she was terribly rude to spring this on me in such a wrenching manner.

On her side, she’s been growing resentful for months because of miscommunication, frustrating work, bad feedback, and feeling like her career is going nowhere. And her kid just got kicked out of school.

If I were really in her situation, there’s actually a decent chance that I’d feel about the same way. And it’s not all about the boss or even about her work. She’s living her own life and she finally got the courage to make a change.

This is not an unusual scenario. It takes advantage of the fact that resentment will continue to grow until it’s either addressed, or explodes.

So how do I deal with this as the boss? Well, I should have been in communication – real and empathetic conversation – for many months now. I should be connected with her career goals and frustrations with co-workers and the work. I should nurture an understanding that she can safely talk with me about family stresses, even with therapists if we have that as a company benefit.

It’s about being connected with her not just as a worker drone, but a valued and wonderful human. Which helps my folks to understand me as not just the evil boss dude.

Which means my work will be more fulfilling too!